Facilitation Basics: Don't Let Them Off the Hook

I Love Connection

I say this phrase a lot: 'I love connection.' But I realized recently that maybe I've been missing what connection actually is. It isn't just the fun of getting together. It's something essential to male well-being.

When I go back to LA or Hawaii and see my guys, I used to just say, 'Hey, come out to the meeting.' Now, I do something different. I ask them, 'How are you really doing?'

The Core Move: Digging In

Facilitation isn't about being a therapist. It's about being relentless in your pursuit of the truth. Too many men have never told anyone about their mental or emotional struggles. 40% of men have never spoken to anyone about it. Never.

So when a man in your circle gives a generic answer—'I'm good,' 'Work is busy'—your job as a facilitator is to not let him off the hook. You pause. You look him in the eye. You ask again.

'That’s the headline. What’s the story underneath?'

Creating Emotional Safety

You can only dig if you've built a foundation of safety. Safety comes from:

• Consistency: Meeting at the same time, same place, with the same rules.
• Confidentiality: What is said in the circle stays in the circle. Period.
• Modeling: You have to go first. You have to be vulnerable before you can expect them to be.

When you dig, you aren't prying. You are offering them a chance to be known. And for many men, that is the first time in their life they have felt truly seen.